26.2 – The Fragile Life of Dreams

That afternoon and evening were the most difficult hours in Marty’s life.  All that buildup with the magical moon the night before, and delightful flights of fancy from walking through the woods with the one he loved, came crashing to earth in a heap; torn apart by “the forces of abrupt deceleration.”  Chas was right, he thought glumly to himself, I never had a chance with a high-class girl like this…  He felt as if the universe was mocking him somehow, or that he was cursed by a horrible astrological omen he could not understand.  Abruptly, he trudged back to the house in a deep funk, not really caring if Michelle followed, but of course she did because her car was there.  Marty didn’t want to say anything to hurt her, so he said nothing at all.  There was a moment between them in the driveway as they said goodbye – a bittersweet glimpse of what might have been – and then she was gone.  His soulless eyes watched her orange beetle trundle over the still-muddy hill on the hungry road; returning to her clean little world of spirit rallies and ballroom gowns.
 
Marty didn’t want to talk to anyone, so he crawled under his sleeping bag and lay curled up in a fetal position on a beautiful May Day.  Sometimes, the sorrow is so great, the only way to cry is with every cell in your body.  Mike & Annie arrived later, with the intent of screwing in the other half of the room, but they were aware of what Marty had planned that day, and correctly deduced that it hadn’t gone well at all.  His despair was an acrid smoke that made the bedroom uninhabitable.  They talked in low whispers for a while about what to do, and mercifully left.  When Marge came home and checked on her son, he told her he was sick.  The room finally got dark as the light left the canyon, but Marty’s thoughts were darker.  He didn’t eat anything, and peed in a pickle jar he kept by his bed for those freezing cold nights when he didn’t want to get up.  The night passed interminably, with fitful dreams of falling, and calling out for help.  Alone with his grim, disconsolate thoughts, the thin veil between waking and dreaming vanished, and Marty was left without a body or a name; drowning in a whirlpool of despondent emotion.
 
What’s wrong with me, he wondered miserably.  How come no girl ever looks at me the way Annie looks at Mike?  Am I really that hideous?  On the highlight reel of his memory, Marty saw only a series of beautiful faces turning away from him in rejection.  To get love, you gotta give love, he reflected.  I’ve given so much love away, that now my heart is empty.  So, I must be hopelessly unlovable, he finally concluded.  He stayed home all through the weekend, pretending to be sick, but fighting a terminal illness of the heart.  There were times when the room got so black, he couldn’t see his hand in front of his face, and moments when a pure, white light filled his bedroom, and the walls dissolved invitingly.  In the constant cartoon compartment of Marty’s brain, he imagined the little devil and angel who normally appeared on his shoulders were mud-wrestling for possession of his soul, but he couldn’t care less.  All he wanted was for the pain to stop. 
 
Marty returned to Drake on Monday, wondering what he would say if Michelle spoke to him.  He reckoned that it didn’t really matter what he said.  His feelings had no effect on anything, so why invest energy in them?  When he saw her in journalism class, all the emotions rushed back into his body like an instant blood transfusion.  They chatted amiably about this and that, but their charade was so droll – with her pretending like there was nothing wrong, and Marty, reaching out to her silently, desperately; with every fiber of his being; trying to wrap her in a blanket of compassion and help her overcome whatever was holding her back.  He wanted to shake her and yell, “What’s wrong with you? Don’t you know there’s so little time? Love like this comes only once in a lifetime!”  But he hadn’t the courage to bring those deepest feelings to the surface, and instead withdrew further into a delusional melancholy, where “Why won’t you love me?” drifted through his consciousness insipidly like elevator music.
 
In his classes, Marty was distant and uninvolved, pretending to read science fiction books instead of doing his schoolwork.  He was an adult, he had enough credits to graduate, and he wasn’t continuing on to college after graduation.  There was no need to play their stupid game anymore.  He paid attention when it interested him, and if a teacher asked him why he wasn’t turning in his homework, he just shrugged and said, “I don’t know.”  He mostly hung out with the bleacher creatures, many of whom were cutting school regularly, now that the weather was getting nice.  The underprivileged students could see the finish line, and some were content to coast the rest of the way.
 
Marty’s dismal mood was infectious, and a deep and mystical melancholy settled on the Rusty Bucket Ranch the way tree debris covers a roof.  Mike & Annie were going through another period where they both “needed some space” – a thinly disguised metaphor for being confined by their mutual jealousy.  Marty thought it was a sure bet they would go to the Senior Ball together, but now that appeared unlikely.  Mike moped around the house, smoking bowl after bowl in his bong, and falling asleep on the couch in front of the TV with a beer in his hand.  Annie called repeatedly, but Mike refused to answer, letting the phone ring and ring until Marty finally unplugged it.  Nobody ever calls me anyway, he griped internally, so what do I care about a phone?
 
Marge and Jimbo were at odds again, too, and it was such a familiar pattern that it was almost childish in its predictability.  The big, bearded redhead tried to get her outside to help with this or that, but all she wanted to do was stay in her room, until he became exasperated and stomped out of the cabin, slamming the front door on his way down to the Slodge.  From time to time, Marty or Susie knocked on her door to see if she was okay, but she just yelled, “Go away!” …so at least they knew she hadn’t passed out.  She sobered up for a few days before her checkup with Dr. Z, then immediately fell back into her old ways.  Marty was now certain she was drinking again, and was probably hiding beer under her bed when he wasn’t home.  He found it hard to care about her health, if she didn’t.  The blind had been leading the blind for so long in their family, they were getting used to the ditch.  Why bother climbing out only to fall in again?
 
Even Susie was having problems with her boyfriend, and imposed solitary confinement upon herself in her room.  The Rusty Bucket Ranch was like a dark, shingled prison, where the inmates didn’t need any guards because they didn’t want to escape.  As much as Marty wanted to lock himself away in his lonely cell, he still shared a room with Mike.  He often wanted to be alone, and to do that he had to take long hikes away from their ashtray of a cabin, and get some fresh air to clear his head.  The trees always welcomed him as more than just a dispenser of carbon dioxide – he felt their embrace of acceptance more than he did from people.  The redwood forest had a strangely sanguine beauty; only four months after being ravaged by the big flood.  With most of the understory struggling to grow back, and the trunks of the straight columned trees still stained with mud at the bottom, it was more like walking through the austere ruins of an ancient temple.  Alone with his thoughts, Marty turned his attention inward: to try and pull out the roots of the awful despair growing inside of him like weeds in a vacant lot.
 
Why can’t I get the one relationship I need the most – the one I think about nearly all the time?  Marty knew, from moving so often as a child, that to make friends you needed to be a friend.  He reasoned that the same logic was true in romance: to have a girlfriend, you needed to act like a boyfriend.  And so he wrote sappy poems, gave flowers and candy, and even offered hand-painted art… all to no avail.  Meanwhile, he observed other young males who treated their girlfriends casually – like possessions – and strangely enough, that approach seemed to incite greater fascination and obsession in the feminine mind.  He also observed that a huge part of popular culture was devoted to promoting a sense of romantic love, with pink hearts and Valentines, jewelry and gifts, and distinct rituals like proposals and weddings, where the males had to follow a prescribed protocol to win a mate.  How could one reconcile this seeming contradiction?  For it seemed that the more a male revealed his romantic intentions, the more the female resisted, but the callous behavior of “playing hard to get” was unduly rewarded.  Marty couldn’t fathom such falsehoods of emotion.  He felt that people were given very little time to learn how to love truly in physical form, and it was imperative that they express themselves and get on with it.  He kept on investing his deepest feelings to gain the interest of affection in return, but was almost never getting any dividends, and was now flat broke.  It was disheartening, to say the least.  Over time, he gave so much of his love away without replenishment that there was nothing left inside.  Only a vacuum of emptiness that wanted to pull him into the depths of oblivion.
 

Marty couldn’t stop creating, and wrote more dismal poetry (with one piece called The Shadow of Love) to repudiate Michelle for not being ready to love him.  He also composed an epic tome modeled after Al Stewart’s Love Chronicles, in which he detailed his romantic misadventures from an early age to the present, ending on a falsely positive note because he didn’t want anyone to read his true thoughts.  Marty had become a charter member of the legion of emotionally walking wounded.  Life at school was a cheap imitation of reality.  Everybody acted so phony; they didn’t know a damn thing about the real world.  He had no kindred spirits with whom he could share his feelings, other than Chas, and he was too cynical and judgmental to understand the depth and tenderness of Marty’s sorrow.  His left leg was nearly a hundred percent healed, with no trace of limp remaining, but now his heart was crippled.  The ups and downs of his pseudo-relationship with Michelle had worn his nerves to a frazzle.  He experienced an ever-increasing intensity of mood swings: from the dizzying heights of hope and exhilaration, to the darkest pits of despair.  Shut inside his room most of the time, he listened to tragic songs over and over again… like this one from April Wine:

“It’s coming right down on top of me,
And getting so I can’t hardly breathe.
It’s coming right down on top of me,
Just won’t let me be…”

Regardless of Marty’s mental and emotional state, as the resident crazy artist of the school “village,” he was expected to continue writing and drawing cartoons for the Jolly Roger, and so he did.  To challenge the readership (and perhaps send out a distress signal), he laid his soul bare in an emotionally charged column, but not a single person commented on what seemed to him to be an obvious allegory about his utterly disconsolate emotional state.  The column was published with a prominent headline on the editorial page where most students and nearly all the teachers were sure to read it.  This is what he wrote… you can judge for yourself:

The Fragile Life of Dreams

Once there was a man who never did anything right.  However, that was until he bought the tree.  He planted the young sapling in his front yard on a delicious spring day, and stood back and looked with pride at his new project.  Deep inside, he desperately hoped he would not fail again.

Every successive day saw the man out in his yard, faithfully caring for his young tree.  He would prune, fertilize, vitaminize, and even talk to his tree for endless hours.  Night would find the man peering fretfully out his front window every half hour, making sure that his tree was all right.  In effect, the man watered his tree with his very life’s blood.

Fortunately, his efforts did not go unrewarded.  In time, the tree thrived as none else did on his block.  It grew with amazing speed, and was a favorite of the orioles and sparrows that the man loved to watch so much.  He could spend the whole afternoon sitting under the young branches reading to himself, and sometimes out loud.  His whole waking day revolved around his obsession for the tree: planning, working, giving, and all he asked in return was that his project survived.

And it did.  The seasons turned into years, and the years into decades, watching the tree grow with such rapidity and vigor that it was the envy of the neighborhood, yes, even the whole town.  Its caretaker, now an old man with the satisfaction of having done something right for a change, still treated his tree with the same tenderness and devotion as before.  The neighbors swore he was crazy, and kept their children away from his yard, even crossing over to the other side of the street as they strolled by.

This could not bother the man, even when he felt lonely.  He would just sit out in the yard under his tree and read poetry, sometimes out loud, and the birds would gather in the branches to sing and flit about, seeming to listen intently to his every word.

As all good things must come to an end, all great things shall meet with disaster.  A particularly violent and stormy night moved the man to sit intuitively at his window, watching his tree flail in the wind through the sheets of rain that smashed on the glass.  He was enormously worried, as one might expect, and he was already thinking of ways to repair his tree, his life, when calamity struck.

A vicious, seething bolt of lightning tore through the air outside the house, ripping his tree into shreds.  The crown of leaves burst into flames, and the stricken man watched in horror as his life burned to the ground.  He dashed out of the house, screaming into the night, and the night screamed back with lashes of rain and roaring winds that pushed him around like a leaf.  He staggered back into his house, sobbing hysterically, and passed out on the living room carpet.

Understandably, he never recovered from the shock.  He sat inside his house with the drapes closed, never going out, never eating.  There began a noticeable physical change in the man.  He developed an insatiable thirst, which showering three times daily couldn’t even satisfy.  His hair turned coarse, and rustled when it was dry, and his skin hardened, with rough, scaly patches.

The weeks passed, and the neighbors began to worry, for they noticed he hadn’t left the house since the storm.  They called the police, who in turn investigated, entering the house one delicious spring day.  The officers were bewildered to discover a lifeless, twisted tree still gripping the living room carpet, where it looked as if it had been growing for a long time.  There was no trace of the man at all, and the official report said, “Suicide – no body found.”

Of course, there were the usual circulating rumors regarding the nature of his death.  The neighbors swore he died of a broken heart, but in reality, he was killed by Dutch elm disease.